Learning to Manage Your Anger
 PDF
Dr. Jonathan Isaacson
WHAT IS ANGER?
Many people think that anger is caused by hormonal changes or brain
activity. This is only partly true. Researchers have found that
while hormones play a role in an angry response, there is always a
cognitive (thinking) component.
Some people think that humans are innately aggressive or warlike.
While our behavior is sometimes hostile toward others, anger is not
part of our basic nature.
Frustration may lead to aggression, but it is not inevitable. Some
people respond to frustrating events with anger, while others don’t.
Anger is only one response to frustration. In many cultures, people
are taught to respond to frustration in other ways.
Since Freud’s day, psychologists have disagreed about the value of
venting feelings. It may surprise you to know that today’s research
shows that expressing anger often results in more irritation and
tension rather than feeling more calm.
WHY EXPRESSING ANGER CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Giving vent to anger can produce the
following kinds of harmful effects:
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Your blood pressure increases.
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The original problem is worse
rather than better.
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You come across as unfriendly and
intimidating.
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The other person becomes angry
with you as a result of your behavior.
PHYSICAL EFFECTS OF ANGER
Heart. Researchers at Stanford University have found that of
all the personality traits found in Type A patients, the potential
for hostility is the key predictor for coronary disease. The
combination of anger and hostility is the most deadly.
Stomach and intestines. Anger has a very negative effect on
the stomach and has even been associated with the development of
ulcerative colitis.
Nervous system. Anger is bad for you because it exaggerates
the associated hormonal changes. Chronic suppressed anger is
damaging because it activates the sympathetic nervous system
responses without providing any release of the tension. It is a bit
like stepping down on a car’s accelerator while slamming on the
brakes.
WHY WE GET INTO THE ANGER HABIT
Many times we feel anger to avoid feeling some other emotion, such
as anxiety or hurt. Or we may feel angry when we are frustrated
because we want something and can’t have it. Sometimes, feeling
angry is a way of mobilizing ourselves in the face of a threat.
Anger can be our response to stress. For example:
You are rushing all day in your home
office to meet an impossible deadline. Your daughter bounces in
after school and gives you a big hug as you furiously type on your
computer. You snap, “Not now! Can’t you see I’m busy?”
You have just finished a major
presentation for your company, which took you weeks to prepare. It
was successful and very important to your career. You fantasize all
the way home about dinner at your favorite Italian restaurant to
celebrate. When you get home, your husband has prepared a steak
dinner for you. You yell, “Why don’t you ask me before you just
assume you know what I want?”
This explains why people often respond with anger when they
experience the following kinds of stress:
ALTERNATIVES TO BEING ANGRY
Here are some constructive things can you do to reduce
stress—instead of becoming angry:
NEW RESPONSES TO STRESS
An angry response often results when we are unhappy with someone
else’s behavior. Here are some examples of more positive ways of
dealing with stress:
Set limits. Let’s say a friend hasn’t returned a book you
loaned to her. Now she wants to borrow another one. You could say,
“I’m not going to be able to lend you this book until you return
the first one.”
Don’t wait. When you realize
that you’re feeling annoyed by a situation, speak up. Don’t wait
until your annoyance escalates to anger.
Be assertive. Say in a
positive way what you want from the other person. For example, say,
“Please call me when you get home.”
4 WAYS TO STOP THE SPIRAL OF ANGER
Call a time-out. This is a
very effective technique for breaking the sequence of behavior that
leads to a blowup. It works best if it is discussed ahead of time
and both people agree to use it. Here’s how it works: Either person
in an interaction can initiate time-out. One person makes the
time-out gesture like a referee in a football game. The other person
is obligated to return the gesture and stop talking.
Check it out. If anger is a
response to personal pain, it makes sense to ask the other person,
“What’s hurting?”
Make positive statements. It
may be helpful to memorize a few positive statements to say to
yourself when your anger is being triggered. These statements can
remind you that you can choose your behavior instead of reacting in
a knee-jerk manner—for example, “I can take care of my own needs,”
“His needs are just as important as mine,” and “I am able to make
good choices.”
Be prepared with a memorized
response. Here are a few statements and questions which will
help deescalate anger:
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