Dr.
Jonathan Isaacson
Life is a process of beginnings
and endings. In both life and nature, there are times when things
move slowly and don’t seem to change very much. Then, suddenly,
things change quickly. Moving from August to September, the weather
changes gradually at first, and then it seems that suddenly summer
is over. It is the same in our lives; transitions are as natural as
the changing seasons.
Life transitions are challenging
because they force us to let go of the familiar and face the future
with a feeling of vulnerability. Most life transitions begin with a
string of losses:
the loss of a
role, the loss of a person, the loss of a place, and the loss of
your sense of where you fit in the world.
Any significant loss makes most
people feel fearful and anxious. Since your future may now be
filled with questions, it is normal to feel afraid. We live in a
culture that has taught us to be very uncomfortable with
uncertainty, so we are anxious when our lives are disrupted. On the
positive side, these transitions give us a chance to learn about our
strengths and to explore what we really want out of life. This time
of reflection can result in a sense of renewal, stability, and a new
equilibrium.
A life transition can be positive
or negative, planned or unexpected. Some transitions happen without
warning, and they may be quite dramatic, as in cases of accidents,
death, divorce, job loss, or serious illness.
Other life transitions come from
positive experiences such as getting married, going away to college,
starting a new job, moving to a new city, or giving birth to a
child. Even though events like these are usually planned and
anticipated, they can be just as life-altering as the unexpected
events.
Whether positive or negative,
life transitions cause us to leave behind the familiar and force us
to adjust to new ways of living, at least temporarily. They can
leave us feeling completely unprepared and we may be thrown into a
personal crisis, feeling shocked, angry, sad, and withdrawn.
EXAMPLES OF
LIFE TRANSITIONS
-
Life transitions can include any
of the following:
-
Accidents
-
Buying
a house
-
Changing
jobs
-
Divorce
-
Getting
married
-
Having
a baby
-
Leaving
for college
-
Relocation
-
Retirement
-
Selling
a house
-
Serious
illness
-
Significant
loss (of a person, job, pet, or anything important)
-
Starting
a career
STAGES OF LIFE
TRANSITIONS
Successfully moving through a
life transition usually means experiencing the following stages:
1. Experience
a range of negative feelings (anger, anxiety, confusion, numbness,
self-doubt).
2. Feel
a loss of self-esteem.
3. Begin
to accept the change.
4. Acknowledge
that you need to let go of the past and accept the future.
5. Begin
to feel hopeful about the future.
6. Feel
increased self-esteem.
7. Develop
an optimistic view of the future.
The process of moving through a
transition does not always proceed in order, in these nice,
predictable stages. People usually move through the process in
different ways, often cycling back and forth among the stages.
COPING SKILLS
Life
transitions are often difficult, but they have a positive side,
too. They provide us with an opportunity to assess the direction
our lives are taking. They are a chance to grow
and learn. Here are some ideas
that may help make the process rewarding.
Accept that
change is a normal part of life.
People who have this attitude
seem to have the easiest time getting through life transitions.
Seeing changes as negative or as experiences that must be avoided
makes them more difficult to navigate and less personally
productive.
Identify your
values and life goals. If
a person knows who they are and what they want from life, they may
see the change as just another life challenge. These people are
willing to take responsibility for their actions and do not blame
others for the changes that come without warning.
Learn to
identify and express your feelings.
While it’s normal to try to push
away feelings of fear and anxiety, you will move through them more
quickly if you acknowledge them. Make them real by writing them
down and talking about them with trusted friends and family
members. These feelings will have less power over you if you face
them and express them.
Focus on the
payoffs. Think about what
you have learned from other life transitions. Recall the stages you
went through, and identify what you gained and learned from each
experience. Such transitions can provide a productive time to do
some important self-exploration. They can be a chance to overcome
fears and to learn to deal with uncertainty. These can be the gifts
of the transition process: to learn more about yourself and what
makes you happy and fulfilled.
Don’t be in a
rush. When your life is
disrupted, it takes time to adjust to the new reality. Expect to
feel uncomfortable during a transition as you let go of old ways of
doing things. Try to avoid starting new activities too soon, before
you have had a chance to reflect and think about what is really best
for you.
Expect to feel
uncomfortable. A time of
transition is confusing and disorienting. It is normal to feel
insecure and anxious. These feelings are part of the process, and
they will pass.
Stay sober.
Using alcohol or drugs
during this confusing time is not a good idea. It can only make the
process more difficult.
Take good care
of yourself. Transitions
are very stressful, even if they are supposed to be happy times.
You may not feel well enough to participate in your normal
activities. Find something fun to do for yourself each day. Get
plenty of rest, exercise, and eat well.
Build your
support system. Seek the
support of friends and family members, especially those who accept
you without judging you and encourage you to express your true
feelings. A time of transition is also an excellent time to seek
the support of a mental health professional. He or she can guide
you through the transition process in a safe and supportive
environment.
Acknowledge
what you are leaving behind.
This is the first step to
accepting the new. Think about how you respond to endings in your
life: Do you generally avoid them, like the person who ducks out
early on her last day on the job because she can’t bear to say
good-bye? Or do you drag them out because you have such a hard time
letting go? Perhaps you make light of endings, refusing to let
yourself feel sad. Before you can welcome the new, you must
acknowledge and let go of the old.
Keep some
things consistent. When
you are experiencing a significant life change, it helps to keep as
much of your daily routine consistent as you can.
Accept that
you may never completely understand what has happened to you.
You are likely to spend a
lot of time feeling confused and afraid. This makes most of us very
uncomfortable. The discomfort and confusion will pass, and clarity
will return.
Take one step
at a time. It’s
understandable to feel like your life has become unmanageable. To
regain a sense of power, find one small thing you can control right
now. Then break it down into small, specific, concrete steps.
Write them down and post them on your computer monitor or mirror.
Cross off each step as you accomplish it.
Times of life transitions offer
you the chance to explore what your ideal life would look like.
When things are in disarray, you can reflect on the hopes and dreams
you once had but perhaps forgot about. Take this time to write
about them in a journal or talk about them with a trusted friend or
therapist. Now is a good time to take advantage of the fork in the
road.
