Dr.
Jonathan Isaacson
People have a difficult time
letting go of the past because they are held back by unfinished
business. They may regret choices they have made or feel guilty
about past actions. As long as guilt and regret are not resolved,
it is difficult to move forward.
THE REGRET
EPIDEMIC
Regret is an emotion that feels
similar to depression or sadness. It also feels like guilt, but it
isn’t the same thing. Sometimes a wave of regret seems to come out
of nowhere. You might become aware of it when you lose something or
someone, or when you meet someone from your past. It is a common
feeling in our culture for several reasons.
1. We
have too many choices.
Since we have so many options, there are many more opportunities to
regret the paths we didn’t take.
Example:
When Linda was a senior at a major university, she interviewed with
over 30 companies on campus. She was offered jobs in five different
cities and had a difficult time choosing. In the end, she moved to
Los Angeles and began an executive training program in a large
company.
A few years
later, she began to wonder whether she had made the wrong choice.
She thought she might have been better off in Kansas City, which had
been her second choice. The regret leaves her feeling stuck and
dissatisfied.
2. Endless
possibilities. Another
factor causing many of us to feel regret is that in the American
culture, there is a belief that life has no limits. Our culture has
an insatiable appetite for new experiences, adventure, and newness.
When faced with the reality that certain things will not work out or
change, we find it hard to accept.
Example:
Karen has
turned 45. She has never married and has no children. She has
always believed that “There is always tomorrow” and “I have plenty
of time to make my mark.” But now, realizing that she may never be
a mother and probably won’t be the CEO of her company, she is
feeling like life has passed her by.
3. No
rules. Along with all of
these options, our lives have become confusing because there are few
guidelines for what choices we should make.
Example:
Most women
who have children struggle with the choices of what role employment
should play in their lives, and many women feel like they made the
wrong choice. Options include staying home with the children,
working full-time at a demanding profession, or choosing a less
demanding or part-time job.
Example:
Many people
feel compelled to continue on the ladder of success as long as they
are being rewarded for it. When work becomes demanding and is no
longer fun, it is hard to turn down promotions and pay increases in
favor of less demanding, more satisfying work. People feel locked
in to their career tracks and don’t know how to get off the
treadmill.
We value
self-sufficiency. Our
American culture has always valued independence. Somehow, we all
get the message that it is better if we achieve our goals on our
own, without the help of anyone else. The
4. problem
is that when we cannot accept support from others, we become
isolated. Living a completely self-sufficient life violates the
basic human need for affiliation.
Example:
Matt’s
mother, Sarah, is 75. She is a widow and lives alone in an
apartment in New York City. Matt left New York after finishing
college and now lives in Florida. Sarah’s friends are gradually
moving to Florida, too. Matt has urged Sarah to move to a nearby
condominium, and has even taken her to see a few of them. She
resists, saying that she doesn’t want to be a burden.
Meanwhile,
Sarah is becoming increasingly isolated and depressed. She sits in
her New York apartment and remembers the sunny condo she saw in
Miami a few years back. She is filled with regret but won’t change
her mind. She feels like she has no choice but to remain
independent and self-sufficient.
5. Instant
gratification. Many
people escape the pressures of daily life through drugs and
alcohol. There are messages everywhere suggesting that we use
alcohol and drugs to relax, escape, have fun, and be sexy. When
this becomes a lifestyle, it often results in consequences that one
can only regret: drunk driving, accidents, death and injury,
relationship problems, poor attendance at work, or being fired.
6. Constant
comparisons. When we
compare our lives with others, it’s easy to feel regret. Most of us
expect ourselves to have it all together. We learn to act as if we
are in control and compare ourselves with our friends, coworkers,
neighbors, and the characters on television. When we don’t look as
good as they do, we feel like failures. We have a list of
“shoulds”
inside our heads—things we
expect ourselves to be able to do.
GUILT
Guilt is usually the result of
aggressive acts, wishes, and thoughts. It usually results from
violating a rule—either our own or someone else’s.
WHAT TO DO
ABOUT UNFINISHED BUSINESS
If you want to move past the
things in the past that are keeping you stuck—your unfinished
business—you will need to acknowledge them and tell the truth about
them.
You don’t necessarily have to
take any action; sometimes just writing or talking about it is
enough to lessen its impact. You can write about it in a private
journal or talk about it with a trusted friend or counselor. Here
are some places to look for your unfinished business:
-
Risks
I should have taken
-
People
I treated badly
-
People
who treated me badly
-
Something
I did to someone
-
Not
doing something I should have done
-
Messes
I need to clean up (literally and metaphorically)
-
Things
I should throw away
-
Things
I want to buy for my home
-
Things
I want to buy for myself
-
Things
I need but haven’t allowed myself to have
-
Projects
I’ve started but have not finished
-
Projects
I want to start
-
Things
I want to change
-
Things
I want to stop doing
-
Things
I want to be
-
Things
I want to have
-
Experiences
I want to have
-
Things
I want to say
-
Feelings
I have not expressed
-
Secrets
I don’t want to keep any longer
