Here is a list of ways to convey the message “You are worthwhile”
to your children.
This list could fill a hundred newsletters, since the ways to raise
responsible, happy children are limited only by our imaginations.
Here are some places to begin.
Tell your child on a regular basis that you love her.
Actually say the words. If you think, “I don’t have to tell
her. She knows,” you are wrong. It doesn’t count
if you think it but don’t say it out loud.
Tell him that you are glad he is your child. Say the
words and mean them. If you don’t feel it, there is something
wrong and you should find out what’s going on. We all have
moments when we have a hard time getting in touch with our positive
feelings for our children. I’m not talking about those times.
I’m talking about in general, most of the time, if you’re not
feeling good about being your child’s parent, something is wrong.
He will never feel good about himself if he senses that you are not
connected to him.
Give your child an example to follow. Take the time to
teach her the steps. Kids need models. It’s unfair to
expect that she will know what to do in her daily life if you
haven’t shown her how to do it.
Spend time with your child. If you are absent most
of the time, he notices, and he probably thinks it’s because he
isn’t important enough.
Look at her when you speak to her. This conveys,
“This is important and you are important.”
Look at him when he speaks to you. This conveys,
“What you are saying is important. You are important.”
Explain why. It takes more time, but it conveys that
she is important enough to spend the time helping her understand.
When you explain why, you are also saying, “I understand that you
need to know why. I am going to help you meet your needs.”
When he tells you about something that happened, ask him how he
feels about it. Take the time to listen to his answer.
When you ask a question, encourage her to elaborate. Say,
“Tell me more about that,” or ask, “What was that like?”
When you ask a question, don’t interrupt when she is answering.
When you ask a question, watch your responses. Don’t
disagree or criticize his answer. This teaches him that it
isn’t safe to be candid and will make him edit what he tells you.
Take her seriously.
Participate in the driving. The kids whose parents
never help with the driving feel bad about themselves.
Say no when you need to say no. Kids need to know there
are limits.
When you say no, explain why.
When you say yes, explain why.
Set a positive example with your own behavior. You can
only expect her to behave with dignity and self-respect if she sees
you doing it.
When you lose your temper or make a mistake, apologize. Say
that you are sorry, be specific about what you are sorry for, and
give him a chance to respond.
When you know that you have disappointed him, acknowledge it. Ask
him how he feels about it.
Spend time alone with her. Arrange activities for just
the two of you.
Ask him what he would like to do.
Give her a private space where she can express herself.
Respect his privacy.
If he did a good job on something, say so.
If she didn’t do such a good job on something, point out what she
did well.
After a disappointment or failure, ask, “What did you learn from the
experience?”
When you are giving feedback, describe specific behavior.
For example, “I like how you asked the question so politely”
or “You still need to pick up the towels off the floor.”
When there is a problem, focus on the issue, not the child. For
example, “You didn’t do the last ten problems on this assignment”
is more constructive than “You never finish anything.”
Ask what he thinks.
Let her be the one to choose the restaurant, movie, or activity
some of the time.
Ask him to go with you on routine errands just because you
want to spend some time with him.
Touch her when you talk to her.
Give him a hug at least every few days.
Go in and say goodnight before she goes to sleep. (This is
easy to forget once they become teenagers.)
Look up and smile when he walks into the room.
Introduce yourself when she is with a new friend.
Ask her to tell you about the book she is reading or the movie
she just saw.
Review child development literature regularly to stay updated on
what is normal at each age and stage. It is important to
recheck your standards and expectations to be sure they are
realistic for the child’s age and individual abilities.
Look for ways to maintain your own self-esteem. If you
are unhappy, discontent, or disappointed in how your life is turning
out, it will be difficult for you to build the self-esteem of your
children.
Every child needs to be the object of a parent’s undivided
attention on a regular basis.
Make certain that your body language matches your words.
If they are out of synch, he will be aware of it.
Be yourself. Tell the truth.
Be appropriate. You don’t have to say everything that
is on your mind or tell him things he isn’t ready to know.
If you show that you accept yourself and your actions, you give
permission to her to do the same.
