Dr.
Jonathan Isaacson
The decision to divorce causes major changes in the lives of all
family members. Some upheaval is inevitable. The main
trouble areas are:
Financial: Money becomes a huge problem for most people.
The cost of a divorce is extremely high, and two households cost
more than one.
Career: Being less focused at work and spending time away
from the job for divorce-related appointments takes its toll.
Logistics: Running your home is more difficult because you no
longer have a partner to help with daily chores.
Emotional: Most people have periods of depression, sadness,
anger, and fatigue.
Divorce profoundly affects children. In Surviving the Breakup,
author Judith Wallerstein describes the experience of 60 divorcing
families. She outlines the following key issues for children
of divorcing families:
Fear: Divorce is frightening to children, and they often
respond with feelings of anxiety. Children feel more
vulnerable after a divorce because their world has become less
reliable.
Fear of abandonment: One-third of the children in
Wallerstein’s study feared that their mother would abandon them.
Confusion: The children in divorcing families become confused
about their relationships with their parents. They see their
parents’ relationship fall apart and sometimes conclude that their
own relationship with one or both parents could dissolve, as well.
Sadness and yearning: More than half of the children in the
Wallerstein study were openly tearful and sad in response to the
losses they experienced. Two-thirds expressed yearning, for
example: “We need a daddy. We don’t have a daddy.”
Worry: In Wallerstein’s study, many children expressed
concern about one or both of their parents’ ability to cope with
their lives. They wondered if their parents were emotionally
stable and able to make it on their own. Over half of the
children expressed deep worries about their mothers. They
witnessed their mothers’ mood swings and emotional reactions to the
events in the family. Some children worried about suicide and
accidents.
Feeling rejected: Many children who experience a parent
moving out of the home feel rejected by the parent. The parent
is usually preoccupied with problems and pays less attention to the
child than in the past. Many children take this personally and
feel rejected and unlovable.
Loneliness: Since both parents are preoccupied with
their problems during the divorce process, they are less able to
fulfill their parenting roles with their children. The
children may feel like their parents are slipping away from them.
If the father has moved away and the mother has gone off to work,
the children often feel profound loneliness.
Divided loyalties: The children may (accurately) perceive
that the parents are in a battle with each other. The children
feel pulled in both directions and may resolve the dilemma by siding
with one parent against another.
Anger: Children in divorcing families experience more
aggression and anger. It is often directed toward the parents,
expressed in tantrums, irritability, resentment, and verbal attacks.
Many children see the divorce as a selfish act and feel very
resentful about the resulting destruction of their lives.
More than one-third of the children in Judith Wallerstein’s study
showed acute depressive symptoms such as sleeplessness,
restlessness, difficulty in concentrating, deep sighing, feelings of
emptiness, compulsive overeating, and various somatic complaints.
The symptoms that many children may have during the divorce process
either moderate or disappear within 18 months after the breakup.
Of the symptoms that remain, the most common are:
Manipulative behavior was reported by about 20% of the teachers of
the children in Wallerstein’s study.
Depression was diagnosed in 25% of the children and adolescents.
The symptoms of depression in children include:
- Low self-esteem
- Inability to concentrate
- Sadness
- Mood swings
- Irritability
- Secretiveness
- Isolation
- Self-blame
- Eating disorders
- Behaving perfectly
- Being accident-prone
- Stealing
- Skipping school
- Underachieving at school
- Sexual acting out
You should consider finding a therapist to work with if most of
the time you feel:
- Alone
- Depressed
- Numb
- Exhausted
- Isolated
- Hopeless
- Overwhelmed by your children
- Overwhelmed by your feelings
- You are sleeping too much or too little
