Should You Leave Your Relationship? PDF
Dr. Jonathan Isaacson
How do you know when it’s time to say goodbye to a relationship?
In any intimate relationship—especially in a marriage—it’s not a
good idea to let a doomed partnership drag on, simply to avoid the
pain of a breakup.
Signs of Trouble in the Relationship
There are some warning signs that your relationship is in
trouble. If you recognize any of these signals in your own
partnership, you may have some work to do to get things back on
track.
Your life priorities have changed significantly.
Major life changes often force people to reconsider what’s
important, and this can make a once-healthy partnership lose its
bearings. A near-death experience such as a serious accident
or illness, being unexpectedly fired from a job, or losing a family
member can cause anyone to reevaluate his or her life and decide to
make some changes. Everything looks different after such an
experience, and some things lose their meaning. When this
happens, these new ways of seeing things must be addressed, since
it’s unlikely that such changes will just disappear.
The arrangement still works, but the passion is missing.
Lots of doomed relationships manage to work—for a while.
But when neither partner has any genuine enthusiasm for the
relationship, it may be in trouble.
You no longer trust your partner.
After a partner has broken the bond of trust, it can be difficult
to get it back. If your partner has had an affair or was
irresponsible with a large amount of money, it is understandable
that you feel angry and hurt. Over time, these wounds may not
heal. Broken trust can cause serious harm to a relationship,
and, if it is not healed, the relationship may not recover.
Your partner’s lifestyle or values clash with yours.
It is difficult to sustain a long-term relationship when you and
your partner do not agree on some of life’s most basic things.
If you want to make and save a lot of money, but your partner seeks
a simple life and would be happy living in a small house with few
luxuries, this is a potential problem. If your partner seeks
excitement and wants to be around people most of the time but you
are basically a loner who prefers solitude, you may find yourselves
growing apart. You may have been attracted to each other in
the beginning because you brought each other some balance, but, over
the long term, the very things that drew you to each other may doom
your relationship.
Deciding to end a relationship can have enormous implications.
If you are married, have children, own a home, and share finances,
leaving your partner can be very complicated and will affect
everyone in the family. It is important to make such a
decision thoughtfully and for the right reasons.
More Warning Signs
If your partner regularly does one or more of the following things,
you have good reason to be concerned.
- Behaves abusively with your friends and family
- Betrays your trust
- Breaks promises
- Cheats on you
- Does not challenge you mentally
- Does not support your goals in life
- Is extremely jealous without cause
- Is not financially self-supporting
- Opposes or ignores your thoughts, feelings, or concerns
- Physically abuses you
- Pressures you to have sex when you are not interested
- Resists your attempts to improve the relationship
- Shares your secrets with others
- Tells lies regularly
- Threatens violence
- Tries to isolate you from your friends and family
- Verbally abuses you or puts you down
These behaviors are very serious and potentially dangerous to
you. If you are in a relationship with someone who treats you
in any of these ways, you should seriously consider seeking the
assistance of a mental health professional.
The Impact of Stress
Stress can make it harder to decide what to do. If you are
questioning your relationship and have problems with money, are
stressed at work, or the kids are acting up, deciding what to do
becomes even more difficult. It’s important to take your time
and resist the temptation to make a fast decision that may later
turn out to be the wrong thing for you.
Tips for Making Good Relationship Decisions
- Take your time making any important decision such as whether
to end an important relationship. Even though you may feel
confused and indecisive, it is important to recognize that this
situation requires a deliberate and careful decision-making
process.
- Making a relationship decision calls for both instinct and
logic. It’s important to trust your gut, but don’t lose
track of reason.
- Look at the issues from different points of view.
- Consider the immediate and long-term implications of each
option (staying or leaving), including the impact of each on
other people in your life.
- Consider the worst- and best-case scenarios, as well as the
possibilities in between.
- Give your relationship every chance to get back on track
before you call it quits. Ask yourself if you have really tried
everything. If you have, and it still isn’t working, it
may be time to move on.
Seeking Advice and Support
Involving a few trusted friends in your decision-making process
can help you avoid the tendency to rush into a decision and hurry to
get it over with. Consulting others helps you step back from
the situation and see it in a broader context. While it is
more difficult and time-consuming, getting the advice and support of
others can help you reach a better decision about whether to end the
relationship. This is true for relationships or any other kind
of decision.
You may decide to work with a professional counselor or therapist
during this process. This is strongly advised if you are in an
abusive relationship. A licensed, experienced professional can
help you sort out the issues, help you see things you may not be
aware of, and give you feedback on how you are seeing things.
Involving an objective outsider can be a smart move because you can
feel free to say everything that is on your mind without worrying
about offending someone you care about or being judged for your
thoughts and feelings.
Finally, if you decide that the relationship should end, minimize
the chances for emotional fallout by planning how, where, and when
you will deliver the news. When making such an important
change in your life, it is better to set aside spontaneity in favor
of being slow, deliberate, and certain.
|
