Dealing with the
Emotional Impact of Infertility
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Dr. Jonathan Isaacson
Infertility is a medical problem that results in the inability to
conceive a child or carry a pregnancy to full term. A couple is
usually diagnosed as infertile after one year of frequent,
unprotected, sexual intercourse.
It is estimated that 10 to 15% of couples are infertile. About 35%
of infertility cases can be traced to physical problems of the woman
and 35% have causes in the man. In the remaining 30% of cases,
infertility is either unexplained or is caused by problems in both
partners.
Why Infertility Can Be Devastating
The inability to have children can be one of the greatest challenges
that a person or couple will ever face. It affects people
emotionally, physically, and financially. It can place tremendous
stress on a couple’s relationship and on their relationships with
family and friends.
On a physical level, the experience of being examined and tested
monthly, weekly, or even daily is embarrassing, exhausting, and very
expensive. Medications often have side effects, and daily injections
may be required. Surgery is often necessary, and sometimes several
procedures are needed.
As the process continues over months and years, the couple’s privacy
is invaded time and again, physically and emotionally. One or both
of the partners learn to put aside their feelings as they lie on the
examining table, have fluids taken, or give sperm for the tenth,
twentieth, or fiftieth time.
At the same time, family, friends and coworkers are waiting to see
if this month will bring good news. The couple becomes used to
hearing, “Anything new?” with an expectant smile. They also hear
comments like, “Maybe you should take a month off and just relax,”
or “A vacation would do you good” or “This sounds like a good
problem. At least you can have fun trying.” To make it even worse,
throughout this experience, the couple regularly hears of others who
have become pregnant. In fact, it sometimes seems as if the whole
world is pregnant.
These experiences often make the infertile person feel like a
failure. The feelings come up each time there is a treatment failure
or when yet another friend or acquaintance announces a pregnancy.
After each expensive procedure or round of treatment, when no
pregnancy results, the disappointment turns to devastation. Many
infertile people become depressed and anxious. The strain in the
marriage and among family members sometimes becomes unbearable. The
self-esteem of one or both partners plummets. They often feel
lonely, sad, and angry. The long series of disappointments that many
experience can cause a numbing effect, and depression can result.
If
one partner has the medical problem that is causing the infertility,
he or she often feels guilty and may even offer the other a divorce. At the same time, the infertile person may fear that the other
partner will leave the relationship. All of these changes can make
people feel emotionally distant and needing to avoid intimacy.
Some people cut themselves off from friends and family. They look
for ways to avoid attending social gatherings and family events,
fearing that they will be subjected to discussions about pregnancy,
children, or infertility. Socializing with friends and family who
have children or who are pregnant is a special challenge. Sometimes
these feelings are intensified, especially for women, when they are
taking large doses of drugs that can affect their emotions.
Emotional Self-Care during Infertility
Almost no one expects to be infertile. Most people think they will
grow up, get married, and have children, just like everyone else
around them. So when a couple learns that they are infertile, they
are often surprised at how devastated they feel. After all, they
reason, they don’t have cancer or a deadly disease (in most cases);
it’s just infertility. So why do they feel so badly?
Most couples
gradually come to realize that it is a distressing experience. Many
eventually seek the help of a team of professionals, realizing that
it is a good idea to create a support network and take advantage of
the help that is available.
When one or both partners start to feel the impact of infertility,
it can be a good idea to seek the services of a mental health
professional, especially one who has experience working with the
issues of infertility. Since these issues are so complex, it is
important to find a counselor who has experience and training in
dealing with the impact on individuals, couples, and families.
Many
couples also find relief in support groups where they can meet
regularly with other infertile couples, share experiences, and
support each other. Such groups are offered through organizations
like RESOLVE, a national infertility support organization.
RESOLVE
also provides referrals to medical practitioners who specialize in
infertility. Visit http://www.resolve.org for information.
Infertility is primarily a medical problem, but during treatment it
is important to address the emotional implications of infertility.
Joining a support group or seeing a qualified counselor is
especially important at any of the following points:
- When you begin a new phase of your treatment
- After a course of treatment has failed
- When you are faced with difficult decisions about treatment
- When you are thinking about options such as surrogacy, egg
or sperm donation
- When you are considering stopping medical treatment
- When you are thinking about adopting
- When one or both of you have troubling feelings that won’t
go away
- When you experience strained relationships with your
partner, friends, or family
- When you avoid being with others because of the infertility
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